you know what would be awesome? if humanity was wiped out by swine flu and the only record of our final moments would be on twitter.

Fine. I’ll say it: For the first half of the Old Testament, God comes off as an angry drunk with a gambling problem and a God Complex.

I’m selling life-sized cardboard cut-outs of me watching you sleep. It’s coated in plastic, so it’s safe to place in the bushes for comfort.